Second Post: Take 3

A New Breed of Chimp People?

In Austria, some group of moronic activists want this chimpanzee to be declared a person. Lawyer Eberhart Theuer says, “Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has basic legal rights.” Okay, so your main argument that he’s a person is that he’s a person. Aces. If courts declare Hiasl to be a person, he will immediately be named leader of the cult and he and his followers will travel to Jonestown for a Kool Aid party.

Global Warming News

A group of fifth grade students in Hampton Road, Virginia are investigating global warming. I’m confident that with these elementary kids on the case, global warming will soon be a thing of the past.

In evidence that casts doubt on the possible gloom of global warming, an arctic seal died in Florida after traveling down from the North Pole. Why else would he be heading south unless he wanted warmer weather? Maybe global warming is what seals have been waiting for. Or maybe the seal had just retired and wanted to move to Del Boca Vista.

NASA is claiming that temperatures could hit 110 in Atlanta in 2080. You know, the weathermen struggle to get the weather right on a five day forecast, I’m not sure how much stock I put in the 80 year forecast.

Completely Incomplete Coverage of the Republican Debate

My heart’s not in writing this because there were way too many candidates and it’s way too early for anyone to be debating anything other than which musical group is the biggest sellout.

There are those who detest naming winners and losers in events like this, but if you don’t pick winners, what’s the point. Are there supposed to be solutions found in these sorts of exhibitions. Were we really going to have a detailed exit strategy presented to get out of Iraq? Was anyone surprised when the debate came down to questions like: Raise your hands if you oppose evolution and What don’t you like about America and Should Hillary be elected president?

Anyway, the winner was the incredibly slick Mitt Romney, even if something seems slightly off about him. I don’t know what it is but there’s something I find just not quite right. Maybe unsettling’s the word. Could be the hair. Could be the flip flops. I mean, I’ve never liked sandals.

The loser of the spectacle was John McCain, who came across as worn out, delivering snippets of stump speeches that lacked context and occasionally answered the question he was asked. He reminded me of the 1984 debate between Reagan and Mondale where campaign handlers had shoved so much information into Reagan that he came across as confused. McCain had too many speeches in his head and instead of answering questions, he reverted back to the information jammed into him. Reagan rebounded in the second debate. What will McCain do and will it be too late? Is it possible to be too late with 9 months until the first primary?

Rudy Giuliani did alright but nothing to write about. As the only Republican to sorta support Roe v. Wade, he did just enough to unnerve conservatives and not enough to pick up left leaning supporters.

Then there were the also-rans who sorta merged together like Voltron. None were all that impressive and if you add them altogether to form a single candidate, it’d be funny looking.

Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson seemed to be running on a platform of avoiding eye contact. He came across skittish and very unpresidential.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee’s suit looked like it came out of Charles Logan’s closet in ‘24’.

Rep. Ron Paul was the only candidate to have voted against the Iraq War and of the also-rans, probably came across the best, though had he been given more time to speak, he would’ve changed that perception.

Sen. Sam Brownback kinda stole the Biden plan for Iraq, basically calling for independent entities based on culture with all sides splitting the oil revenue, a plan that is as equally naïve as it is impossible to implement. The Baker-Hamilton Commission ridiculed the plan.

Rep. Tom Tancredo, Mr. One Issue, didn’t really harp on the issue of immigration all that much, probably because he wanted to seem like a real candidate. On the other hand, he didn’t really give anyone a reason to support him.

Rep. Duncan Hunter seemed mad and came across more like Tancredo than Tancredo did.

I’m not much of a fan of former Virginia Governor James Gilmore. The thing about Gilmore is that he’s petty and has a penchant for seeking revenge against those who disagree with him (see: John Hager). I don’t know but after two terms of a guy like that, I don’t think we need another president who intimidates opposing views so that only his is heard. He avoided compromise and really did a piss poor job with the budget leaving things in a mess for his successor, Mark Warner.

Howard Dean viewed the debate and said it “confirms that a Democrat will be elected in 2008.” Which I could agree with if I didn’t say exactly the opposite after the Democratic debate a few weeks ago. There are so many choices and not a single good choice. Obviously somebody has to win but since this process has started so early this time, it’d be nice if we had better candidates to choose from. Because the next 18 months is going to feel like punishment for some crime I didn’t realize I committed. At least General and Primary will be happy.

There are a number of Republicans who are looking for Fred Thompson to get into the race and I’m not sure why. If I had to pick an actor to be president, I think I’d want Bill Murray. His vice president could be Punxsutawney Phil. It’d be great.

Is Gore Getting In?

Al Gore has been training in a gym to lose weight, fueling speculation that he might be considering a presidential run. I’m picturing Gore in a ‘Rocky’-like montage sequence with ‘Gonna Fly Now’ playing in the background as the former vice president chops wood, does crunches and drinks raw eggs.

Several supporters who gave money to Gore’s campaign in 2000 have yet to commit to a current candidate, likely hanging onto their money in case Gore chooses to run in 2008. In other news, DJ’s holding out his money until Tivo Series 3 comes down in price.

Hamas Goes Disney

Hamas has a kids program with a mouse mascot that looks eerily like Mickey Mouse and it teaches kids the importance of establishing an Islamic rule over the world. I don’t know but it makes sense. Even as a young child, When I saw Mickey Mouse, I thought jihad. You know, a lot of American shows aimed at kids are propaganda to get kids to want toys. Apparently their shows aimed at kids are propaganda to get kids to want to blow themselves up. And it seems that would leave fewer kids to buy toys, which is why that approach isn’t used in America.

I find it slightly amusing that Hamas is using a ripoff of Americana to preach destruction of America. If America is destroyed, who are they going to ripoff then?

Seamless Transition from Hamas to Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton’s publicist said that her jail time will add to her allure. Which makes one wonder why she’s filed an appeal. I suppose her time in jail will broaden her base a little. But honestly, there are two types of people, those who find her/her life interesting and those who don’t. Going to jail won’t change that. It is surprising though. I’m not used to rich, famous, white blonde girls being held accountable for breaking the law.

Top Articles Worth Checking Out

Much has been made about Obama overstating the number of dead in Kansas by a wee bit. He said 10,000 people had died when it was actually 12. A little off but you know, judging by the current administration, I’m not sure accuracy is a prerequisite for the job. Perhaps exaggeration is. I did read an article that’s worth reading about support for Obama.

While I’m being lazy and pointing at other people’s writings instead of actually doing some of my own, look at this one too, which is from the BBC and their writer's take on America.

And how about one more. This one’s more controversial because it cheers the increase in gas prices. Not a popular stance but his point’s well taken. Until things get so bad we HAVE to change, we won’t change. It’s ridiculous that while Honda and Toyota are working to increase the number of miles per gallon their cars get, American auto makers are hell bent on making bigger vehicles that get less mpgs. And the consumers of this country keep buying them. If those vehicles didn’t exist, they couldn’t be purchased and if they were prohibited, they couldn’t exist. I’m a free market guy but something’s gotta give and maybe $4 gas isn’t going to be enough. I don't know. I have a Honda Accord and live six miles from where I work, so it's not a super big deal but anyway.

And Finally...

If you just can't get enough of stuff I wrote, check out what I scribbled together over at www.sportingnews.com/blog/djwright.