A Matchmaker, A Stuffed Animal and the Electric Orange Girl

I haven’t written a posting in forever (well, not literally forever) and I don’t intend to try starting this thing up again. But I had an odd day on Thursday, December 30th and wanted to write it down.

I had been sick since Friday December 24th. I originally thought it was allergies but by Monday, it was pretty clear that I had a cold or something. Thankfully, I was able to work from home from Tuesday to Thursday so I didn’t have to call in sick. It also meant that I hadn’t left the apartment since Monday.

My girlfriend Michelle and I had the day off on Friday, so she was coming over on Thursday. Having been stuck inside for so long, I was getting a little stir crazy and restless. I thought about ordering a pizza from Papa John’s and having Michelle pick it up on her way here. At the same time, I needed groceries so I figured I would just wait for her to arrive, order the pizza, get the groceries, pick up the pizza and go home. Simple.

The Great Matchmaker of Publix



We left for Publix after ordering the pizza at 7:15. The pizza would likely be ready by about 7:35. I figured we would be able to pick up the pizza at 7:45. I hadn’t really made a list of groceries and I had no idea what we were going to eat for the weekend. I was hoping the three medium pizzas would at least get us to New Year’s without having to make anything.

In the checkout line, I picked out a Pepsi because I needed a cold drink since I was out of Cokes. I then realized that I had forgotten to pick up a bag of peppermints. See, I was still sick and I wanted the mints to help my throat. Michelle tried to get me to buy actual cough drops. I explained that when I was in church back in 1986, an old woman in the pew in front of me heard me coughing and turned around to give me a cough drop. I don’t know what brand they were but they were terrible and I vowed then as a six year old that I would never have another cough drop. For some reason, Michelle thought that was silly.

I decided to go ahead and stop by CVS on the way home to pick up the bag of peppermints. We had already spent more time at Publix than I had wanted to. The girl at the checkout looked very disinterested as she scanned the items, which isn’t unique or anything. Then this bagger came in from outside and he looked excited. He started bagging my groceries and he said while smiling, “I am a great matchmaker!”

I didn’t know if he was talking to me or the cashier. Truthfully, I think he was looking between us. “I really know people. I’m a great matchmaker!” he said, at this point clearly talking to me. “Tell them, Misty.”

“Whatever you say,” Misty, the cashier replied, still disinterested. Meanwhile, I thought about how un-Misty-like she looked. Michelle later thought she looked more like a Melissa. I was leaning toward Heather.

“I am just a great matchmaker!” the bagger said again. He then offered to take the groceries out for us and I declined.

While walking out, I turned to look at Michelle to see if she recognized how odd the whole ‘matchmaker’ thing was and while looking over my left shoulder, I pushed the cart right into the door. You know how those sliding doors open? They were fully open but I plowed into the side activating the emergency exit function causing the right side of the door to fully push open. Michelle began laughing wildly and I just kept pushing the cart like nothing happened. She laughed all the way to Papa John’s.

Hello Kitty Sighting

We arrived to pick up the pizza at 8pm, which was 15 minutes later than I had expected and 25 minutes after the pizza was done. I had paid with a credit card online and expected the pick up to be a quick in and out thing. I didn’t really expect there to be a line backing up against the door. Michelle stayed in the car.



The couple at the front of the line hadn’t placed an order to be picked up and they had no idea what they wanted. “What’s on a Hawaiian pizza?” they asked. “What about a barbeque pizza?”

Here’s the thing about pizza places, especially ones that you can’t eat at like Papa John’s or Domino’s. Those places are designed to take phone calls or web orders. They have one register and can only serve one person at a time. After about five or six minutes, they settled on their order.

There were a lot of employees behind the counter and there were four that didn’t appear to be doing anything. I could see a group of three pizzas that I thought were mine (and it turned out that they were). I had the confirmation print out in my hand. I finally got the attention of one of them. I said that I was just picking up an order and had already paid. The employee said that she (meaning the cashier) would be able to help. Or in other words, ‘I’m not going to help.’

The person in front of me finally got to the register and she was picking up an order. She must’ve been tempted by the pictures of the chicken wings and asked how long it would take for them to be added to the order. The cashier said 15-20 minutes, which seemed to be the standard answer whenever someone asked her how long it was going to take to have an order ready. The customer asked if the chicken wings were good and the cashier assured her that they were.

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a waiter/waitress tell a customer something the restaurant served wasn’t good. I’ve heard that certain items were good, great, alright but I’ve never heard a server say that something was bad. Of course, you know what kind of restaurant you’re at based on the answer though. The bigger the adjective, the fancier the place. A top shelf place will say that the item you’ve asked about is ‘exquisite.’ Which is funny because I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten anything that I would describe as exquisite.

Anyway, the customer passed on the chicken wings and then paid for the order with a Hello Kitty Visa card. I’m not great with guessing ages but this woman was likely in her 40s. Going with the Hello Kitty card seems to be an odd choice. I don’t know.



It was my turn to pick up my order and it took a matter of seconds since I’d already paid. It was a bit frustrating since I had spent almost 15 minutes in line and I was able to stare at the pizzas the whole time as they slowly grew colder.

I had locked the car with the key fob and so when Michelle tried to unlock the door from inside the car, the alarm went off which made me laugh. The back seat of the car was filled with groceries so Michelle held the pizzas on her lap.

“Are you in a hurry?”



I thought about not going to CVS but I really needed the peppermints because my throat was hurting and I was coughing a lot. Michelle again stayed in the car.

A woman entered in just before me and got a cart. I don’t know that I’ve ever gotten a cart at CVS, Walgreens or Rite Aid/Eckerd before. Maybe I have. I don’t remember.

I got the 99 cent peppermints (why isn’t there a cents symbol on the keyboard. I’d use it more than I use that crazy ^ symbol that shares the six key). I didn’t want to pay in cash because I’d give up two dollars and get 98 cents back that I would just add to my collection of coins that will never be used. On the other hand, it seems silly to place it on the debit card. I’m not sure I want there to be a record of this transaction. I’d have to enter it into the checkbook, on Quicken, in my Excel budget document and in my iPhone budget app. It seems like a lot of work to put it on my debit card.

I had pulled out the card to pay and changed my mind. I gave the cashier the two dollars and she asked if I had my CVS card. I pulled it out of my wallet and handed it to her. I put the debit card where the CVS card had been. She then asked, “Are you in a hurry?” I told her that I was, which was partly true. I’m always kind of in a hurry but especially with Michelle in the car accompanying three pizzas that weren’t getting warmer.

She gave me the 98 cents and I pulled out the debit card so the CVS card could be placed back where it belonged and I left without putting the debit card back in the wallet. I threw the peppermints, my wallet and the card in the backseat.

Agent Orange Face v. The Power Bill

We got back to the apartment at about 8:30 or so and took the groceries in. The best thing about getting groceries with Michelle is having an extra person carry groceries upstairs. While we’re walking upstairs, the next door neighbor jumps out of her apartment and asks, “What is your power bill?”

This is the time to mention that I don’t know this person. I’ve never seen her before. I know she moved in a couple months earlier but I’d never met her. “What?” I asked, more surprised that she had popped out of her apartment in her pajamas than anything else.

“How much is your power bill?” I told her that it was about $100 on average (I think it’s averaged about $96 over the last 12 months). “Don’t you think that’s a little high?”

I told her that I didn’t think it was and that it was about average all things considered. I didn’t add that a) without electricity, everything else that she pays for is worthless (cable, internet, phone etc.) and b) she’s going to really hate it when the rates go up next billing cycle. She went on to tell me what the power bill was for everybody else in the building. One person has a bill of $80, one a bill of $200 and most fall somewhere in between. I mainly was thinking about how orange her face looked. I mean, she looked completely orange. If she was in the produce section, there would be some fruit calling her ‘mommy.’



After learning about the electric usage history for my neighbors, Michelle and I went into the apartment to eat a very late dinner. We both laughed at how random the night had been.

And then the moment of panic. I couldn’t find my debit card. I had my wallet and the bag of peppermints but the card must’ve fallen into the backseat somewhere. I told Michelle that I didn’t want to go back outside because I was scared that the orange girl would ask how much my power bill was again.

It’s important to note that I didn’t really think she was going to come out again. I was just trying to be funny. I went back to the car and the card was on the backseat, just like I figured that it was.

On the way back upstairs, the neighbor opened the door again and waited for me to come to the top of the stairs. Still wearing pajamas. Still as orange as she had been three minutes earlier.

“I don’t even use my heat,” she said to me as if the original conversation had never ended. Now, we have had some pretty cold temperatures over the last month in Atlanta. It’s hard to believe that she never turned on the heat even once as the temperatures dipped into the teens several days in December (28 of 31 days in December had lows below 34 degrees).

I explained a couple of other factors that come into play with electric usage. I noted about how cold it had been and she acknowledged that maybe she had used the heat a little bit but “not for most of the month.” I then thought again about how amazingly orange she was and told her that hopefully the temperatures warm up and her power bill goes down. But I didn’t really hope that at all. I was just lying to her.

The really interesting thing that she said though was that the apartment complex has gone into foreclosure. I’m not really sure what that means and how that’s going to affect me. I know that the letterhead on a recent letter was different and that the property manager’s name was different. I also noticed that the complex had finally started having weekend hours after a year of being off weekends. And as Orange Julius noted, they had been doing more landscaping work than usual.

Pepsi Max & My Blister

I told Michelle what happened and she said that she could hear some of it. We laughed about it and started eating. I realized after drinking half my Pepsi that it was actually a Pepsi Max. It’s their version of Coke Zero. Put it this way, it tastes closer to Pepsi than Coke Zero tastes to Coke. Pepsi is sweet and Pepsi Max takes away that sweetness. It’s a bland version of Pepsi and I certainly didn’t mean to pick up that drink. Pepsi Max looks too similar to Pepsi.

I spent a disproportionate amount of time that night (and much of the weekend) staring at my blister.

Oh, I probably should’ve mentioned this before writing that last sentence: Over at Michelle’s place on Sunday December 26th, I was cleaning the frying pan after cooking bacon and it was still hot. I clean that way all the time without a problem. Well, this time, I burned my pinkie. And I don’t mean a quick touch and ‘oh that hurt’ kind of thing. It fucking hurt. I had pressed my finger hard right up against the pan. My finger began to discolor and you could see the start of a burn blister.

Michelle called her mother who advised, ‘Run the finger under cool water and cry a lot.’ So I did. Both parts of the advice.

Anyway, by Thursday, it wasn’t hurting anymore but the blister had started to raise off the skin. I don’t know how long this is going to last but I can’t stop looking at it. I drove Michelle insane this weekend because I kept talking about it and showing it to her.





A Monopoly on New Year’s Eve

Friday was New Year’s Eve. I was still pretty sick and I had wanted to go to Dairy Queen but just didn’t feel well enough to leave the house so we ate pizza all day.

At night, we played Monopoly and I learned a lot about Michelle. She’s much more competitive than I had realized. I mean, I knew she was kind of competitive but she surprised me a little. My main Monopoly strategy is to control the railroads and at least one side of the board and build houses (and hotels if I can).

Michelle was able to get three of the railroads and a monopoly on Boardwalk/Park Place. She spent most of the game with more money but I had more property and eventually she started landing on the properties with hotels and houses and went bankrupt.

Something else happened during the game but Michelle would be annoyed if I told it so I won’t. The game lasted 3 hours or so and then we watched Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve show.



Dick Clark had a stroke on December 8, 2004. He missed the 2004 show but he’s been a part of the show from 2005 on and it’s a little hard to watch. He’s 81 years old and he looks amazing but his speech is still impaired and last year he muffed the countdown a bit. But still, it just feels sad.

And yet instead, I laugh. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a nervous laughter. I feel bad about it. It really bothers Michelle. I feel bad about that too. But I can’t help it.

This year, the countdown felt very anti-climactic. We had stayed up to watch this and the countdown came and went and that was it. I don’t know. It feels like it should feel like something but it doesn’t. I’m not sure why.

Entering a Contest & My New Friend

It was an overcast day on New Years. I felt well enough to go to Dairy Queen for lunch. Michelle had to drop off a bill and we were going to stop by Walmart and Publix. We had to go to Publix so she could get groceries for her place and also to have food for Saturday and Sunday.



At Dairy Queen, we ordered a couple combos and we were going to have Blizzards after we ate. The cashier said he would bring out the food but I didn’t trust him, so I stood at the booth that Michelle was sitting at, which drives her nuts because she doesn’t like me standing if she’s sitting. I don’t really understand it but…

The manager, a man who appeared to be from India or Pakistan, asked if we ordered two combos. I misunderstood though because he was hard to understand. I thought he asked if we ordered a number two combo. He said that because we had ordered a combo, we could fill out a ticket to be entered into a contest. I didn’t really follow what he was saying but he seemed to want us to fill out the ticket so we did. And he stood there the entire time, which seemed a little odd. He told us that the drawing would be a four, which was three hours away and I think he said we could come back up to attend the drawing. He later said that he would call us if we won.

After finished, I ordered two mini Blizzards. She had an Oreo and I had a Butterfinger Blizzard. Two things. First, it wasn’t that long ago that a small was $1.99. I’m pretty sure the small is smaller than the old small was and yet it’s 50% more expensive. I don’t like complaining about it because it makes me feel old. Nothing’s more pointless than complaining about how much something used to cost.

Second, I would’ve rather have a Reese’s Pieces Blizzard but I haven’t seen that for sale in years. I don’t understand why. Reese’s is a big deal. It’s not like those Nerds Blizzards that have been defunct for over a decade. Those probably didn’t sell all that well but you can’t convince me that people don’t like Reese’s Pieces Blizzards.

It really began to rain. I had brought an umbrella with me but I had left it in the car. Michelle’s jacket had a hood but mine did not.

After leaving Dairy Queen, we mailed the bill, went to Walmart and Publix and went back home. We were watching stuff I had on the DVR. There had been a marathon of The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show and Baggage. We were going back and forth between those recordings. At 3pm, my phone started ringing and it was the manager from Dairy Queen.

I went into the bedroom so that I could hear him better because I was really struggling to understand him. He said that I had won the drawing and I had won a Pillow Pet. You know, those things you see on television that look like a rolled up pillow until you pull a Velcro strap and then it ‘becomes’ a pillow.

I don’t usually win things and it seemed strange that when I finally do win something, it was a contest that I was sort of forced into entering to win a prize that’s a child’s toy. He said I could pick it up that day or the next day.

I was ambivalent about going down there at first but the more I thought about it, I really wanted to go down there on that day. Michelle wasn’t as excited about leaving at first but grew more willing the more she thought about how I’d just won a Pillow Pet. She also needed to go to Target and I wanted to go to Best Buy.

We went back to Dairy Queen and the manager seemed really happy. He went into his office to retrieve a panda Pillow pet. The cashier who had taken my order about three hours earlier pointed at me and said, “You were in here earlier!”

The manager gave the Pillow Pet but told me that he needed to keep the bag. He explained why but I couldn’t really understand him. Honestly, even when he had called me, I was only 80% sure that he was telling me that I had actually won.



The panda was EXTREMELY soft. I was thinking about letting Michelle have him but the more I held him, I decided against it. It’s a good thing I didn’t offer it to her because I would’ve had to renege. I had to tuck the panda under my jacket since it was still raining.

On the way into Target, I pressed the button the closed the umbrella but I didn’t point it down or anything, so it closed above our heads, causing all the rain on the umbrella to fall on our heads. It was pretty dumb on my part but we laughed.

We got the mail on the way back into the complex (I know mail isn’t delivered on New Years but I hadn’t gotten my mail in a couple days). My power bill arrived. I thought about making a copy of it and giving it to the Orange Jack in the Box neighbor of mine.

In Summary

So, that was my weekend. That’s how I met the greatest matchmaker in the world, won a Pillow Pet and why I’m now scared to leave me apartment because I have a neighbor obsessed with my power bill

And that’s all I have to post until a year and a half from now or whatever.

True Blood and the Plasma TV

Remember those appeals you see on television about how you can feed a child somewhere for two pennies a day or something? I don’t exactly remember the details because I always mute them but this is a case that’s even more important than those commercials.

You see, Judy Wright participated in the ‘True Blood’ survey and apparently she answered all the questions right. To do this, she bought the DVD of the series and listened to every commentary track. She did this all in under a week. Impressive? You bet.

She even gave this survey her home address and email address (which she never does). So she’s watched the shows, listened to the commentaries and answered the surveys, even handed over information that could lead to someone tracking her down in her home or subjecting her to an influx of spam. She feels like she’s done the work and she deserves the reward. The reward in this case? A 42 inch plasma television.

She asked that I check her emails for her to see if she had won because she was unable to get up the stairs to see the computer herself. She was so confident that she’d won, you should’ve heard her confident voice…and then her disappointment when none of the 51 emails she’d gotten were from this survey.

She requested I look through the emails again, because surely I’d missed something. She said to look for a subject heading like ‘You’ve won’ or ‘You worked so hard, you get a plasma TV’ but even after looking again, there was no email to be found.

Judy Wright was heartbroken. She was like a little lamb who got its heart broken…except Judy is a person and not a lamb.

So if this story touches your heart, do something about it. Send emails to HBO, your elected officials and of course, Neil Diamond. Let’s remember what it was like when we cared about each other and help Judy Wright get her plasma television. Let’s not let the time she spent listening to DVD commentary be in vain. I know I won’t. How ’bout you?

Celebrity Edition: From Twitter to Music to Shia

I don’t get Twitter. I mean, I just don’t understand it. And this makes me feel old. On the other hand, it seems like a lot of people Tweeting are old. So I’m not sure what that makes me. I’ve looks through different celebrity Tweets and most are fairly inconsequential.

At the end of ‘Pardon the Interruption,’ Tony Kornheiser mentions the PTI Twitter feed, so I looked it up. At 10:29am on 5-27, “On that note, my son doesn't call me anymore. I haven't spoken to him since Friday. I wonder if he's mad at me.” And then I felt sad.

The ‘PTI’ Twitter page follows Steve Nash, Shaquille O’Neal, Barry Zito, Dan LeBatard, Tony Reali, Richard Justice, Ernie Johnson, Jr, Peter King, Roger Goodell, Andy Roddick, and Mark Cuban.

So I looked at their Twitter pages.

Barry Zito opined, “Twitter gives a chance for all the small minded, insignificant, shit talkers to feel significant for 2 seconds.”

And I guess I kind of agree with that, except not the way he probably meant it. It gives celebrities, including athletes like him, a chance to reach an audience without benefit of the media. So it’s unfiltered access but it also robs those like Zito from blaming the media for reporting out of context. (Though what kind of context can 140 characters provide?)

Celebrities and athletes (and politicians, which I’ll get to in a moment) that use Twitter, appear to me to be so incredibly self-indulgent that they think their every thought is worth sharing.

The Real Shaq

Shaq posts a lot and he says things like, “Who wants to here jeff van gundy talk about his brother all da night, I dnt, were is bill walton at, naa, john barry.” I don’t exactly know what half that indecipherable mess means but he sounds annoyed.

He posted the following three times (so it must be important), “They said on around the horn that I'm playing when I say I want kobe to win his 4th ring, here it goes again I'm serious I want kobe to win.” He then added, “O yea bill plasckey, and woody paige dnt have me come put my hands on yall,lol.”

O’Neal posts under the name The Real Shaq. I guess that’s opposed to The Fake Shaq. A lot of celebrities post as ‘The Real (blank)’ but is that really the equivalent to a seal of authenticity?

When Tweets Are Fake

Tony LaRussa sued Twitter because someone was posting as him. One Tweet stated, “Lost 2 out of 3, but we made it out of Chicago without one drunk driving incident or dead pitcher.” LaRussa had pleaded guilty a couple years earlier to a DUI charge and two Cardinal pitchers died while he was their manager, Josh Hancock in 2007 (drunk driving accident) and Darryl Kile in 2002 (heart condition).

The LaRussa Twitter page (which has since been removed) had a line on it stating, “Bio Parodies are fun for everyone.” I’ve never been clear on when parody becomes libel. Imagine if a reporter were to print: Tony LaRussa said, “Lost 2 out of 3, but we made it out of Chicago without one drunk driving incident or dead pitcher.” That reporter would be in serious trouble. Yet, a person can pose as LaRussa and hide behind the defense of parody.

McCain: Sports Talk Radio

Remember when Tom Glavine was released by the Atlanta Braves and it surprised a lot of people? Well, it didn’t sit too well with Senator John McCain (R-AZ). He wrote, “Braves release Tom Glavine - not a great way to treat a class athlete.” I’m not sure why he was commenting on the roster move. He followed it up with, “Dr. Kissinger’s op-ed in the Washington Post on Pyongyang is a must read!”

I'd Rather Be a Hammer Than Nail

I’m not sure if I were the Chief of Staff for a politician, I’d want my boss to have access to Twitter. Because they’re liable to come out with something like Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) came out with: “Pres Obama you got nerve while u sightseeing in Paris to tell us 'time to deliver' on health care. We still on skedul/even workinWKEND.” Still angry, he fired off another: “Pres Obama while u sightseeing in Paris u said 'time to delivr on healthcare' When you are a 'hammer' u think evrything is NAIL I'm no NAIL.”

Several things are important about these Tweets. First, constituents need to know whether their Senator is a nail and clearly, Grassley is no nail. He said so. Clearly. Second, President Obama was in France for the anniversary of D-Day and it seems to me that Grassley would be one of those complaining had he snubbed the ceremony. Being that he went, Grassley derides Obama for ‘sightseeing in Paris.’

Is This For Real?

Other politicical figures have Twitter pages, such as Al Gore and Barack Obama but they’re like mini-press releases. It’s pretty obvious that they have ghost writers. And if they have ghost writers, how many celebrities also have ghost writers?

I’m pretty sure that Kirstie Alley doesn’t. She produces an average of 32 tweets per day. Factoring in eight hours of sleep, that’s a tweet every 30 minutes. And she puts out some classic information like, “THIS MONKEY GIRL IS GONNA EAT LUNCH..Cooked my this monkey girl...I am going to have monkey chow...later monkey potaters...”

I don’t think a ghost writer would come up with that one. Nor do I think a staffer posed as Courtney Love to produce the following gems: “but its good to be friend with thenew ceo of myspace tho im sort of90th life and 10% computer its nit life face it,gnomey evil queens yawn” and “but you have to surround yourself in positivity, seriously ,stealing inst cool and to take my ideas and allow them propagate using them..”

In other Twitter news, Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple) complained that his iPod broke.

Celebrities enrich our lives by letting us know, as Lisa Loeb did, that she’s “Going to tarina tarantino store to pick up some sparkly jewelry” (though most of her posts involve what she ate) or that Pete Yorn thinks “niagara falls is pretty cool.”

You see, we wouldn’t’ve known that Niagara Falls was pretty cool if not for Mr. Yorn.

Twittering Under the Table & Dreaming

Dave Matthews likes to share his political opinions, like “No news is good news. But there's always news. Taliban is back. Bigger than ever. I like to thank Dick and W for a job well done.”

First, “No news is good news. But there’s always news.” Uh…that line hurt my head. As for the second part, I’m not sure how the Taliban can be bigger than ever when they used to control the majority of a country and now they don’t. Obviously the conflict over there was mishandled but ‘bigger than ever’?

In other world news, Matthews notes, “Let's see if Sri Lanka will end combat operations. What a nightmare. If y'all don't know what's happening in Sri Lanka look it up.” Of course, while you’re looking that up, Dave wants you to know that “Every year 2.2 million people die from diarrhea caused most often by ingesting fecal matter in food or water.”

There is a self-deprecating side of Matthews, “I have anxiety when I have to fill out forms. Always have. I am incredibly stupid. A bad speller. Now and then I surprise myself.”

Yoko Thoughts

Yoko Ono has a Twitter page. She mainly writes things that I think she wishes would appear on bumper stickers.

Just to go over a few:

“If one billion people in the world would Think PEACE - we're gonna get it.”

“Thoughts are infectious. Send it out. It's Time for Action. The Action is PEACE.”

“Don't focus your attention on the War industry people. They will join us in the end. It's an easier life not to get maimed or killed.”

“Stay with it & life becomes like a lover you have been close to for many years. U know them so well, yet every day they give you a surprise.”

“Don't ever give up on life. Life can be so beautiful, especially after you've spent a lot of time with it.”

“Imagine one thousand suns in the sky at the same time. Let them shine for one hour. Then, let them gradually melt into the sky.”

“Imagine letting a goldfish swim across the sky. Let it swim from the East to the West. Drink a liter of water.”

“Make one tunafish sandwich and eat.”

He Is, He Said

Perhaps the only person who deserves a Twitter page is Neil Diamond. Most of his tweets are apparently answering people’s questions that they must’ve sent to him via tweet. And these ‘conversations’ take place right around midnight. Besides frozen lemonade, I can’t think of anything better than conversing with Neil Diamond after midnight.

He seeks advice from his followers, “My friends, Dan and Mariko are getting engaged in N.Y.C. Today! Any words of advice for them?” Informs them of his plans, “Going in to see "The Soloist" right now. I hear it's great. Next I'll see Adam Sandler's new movie "Funny People". I'm a big fan of his.” And updates them on his career, “Wow, I signed with Columbia Records for another five years. By the time this contract is over that'll make 43 years with the same label.”

These are important things. If he would only do more instructing his followers on how to live their lives, then it’d be a perfect site.

Celebrity Music Lists

Brian Williams created BriTunes so that he could identify underground bands for you. Just for you. Don’t you want to go to the site so that you can find out how much hard work he’s put in for you?

I like Brian Williams and I like the concept behind it. Underground artists need all the help they can get and the Internet is a great way for them to get exposure.

While looking through the Web, I found that several celebrities have created iTunes playlists and I wanted to find out how many of them support ‘my people.’ Most of these playlists were put together by celebrities that were also plugging something and some lists seem to have been given more thought than others.

For instance, Frank Black of the Pixies apparently listens to nothing but Burl Ives. On the other hand, celebrities such as Mandy Moore, create lists and explain why each song was chosen. Incidentally, her list was filled with ‘my people’ like The National, Blitzen Trapper and Ryan Adams (her husband), as wells as ‘Second Hand News,’ an entirely underrated Fleetwood Mac song.

My mom is a fan of ‘True Blood’ and they have their own playlist and it’s respectable. Anna Paquin lists Radiohead, Pixies and Led Zeppelin while Stephen Moyer has Bob Dylan’s ‘You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go,’ along with Stephen Malkmus and Tom Waits.

William Shatner lists a bunch of his own songs along with Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself,’ Ben Folds and 40s era jazz.

Paul Rudd seems like a really cool guy but his playlist is just okay. He does list Glen Campbell’s ‘Witchita Lineman’ which is great but I was kinda hoping for a stronger list.

Greg Mottola, director of ‘Superbad’ had the following artists on list: The Replacements, Big Star, Dinosaur Jr, and The The.

But the award for best playlist goes to…Rainn Wilson, who plays Dwight on ‘The Office.’ And the reason why is simple. His introduction to the list is: “I wanted to share a bunch of recent-ish music to turn folks on to what rocks and what moves me down to my swimsuit area. There’s a bunch of great new bands and artists out there, none of whom have ever been anywhere near ‘American Idol’ or ‘TRL’ or a ‘High School Musical.’ In the need to expose some newer and lesser-known artists I had to leave some of my all-time favorites like Wilco and Radiohead behind.”

He, in my view, got the point of what’s so great about the Internet. You don’t need a lot of money to get your music out there anymore. Local bands in another city can be downloaded with a click of a mouse regardless of whether you live in NYC or Tulsa.

Wilson’s list is filled with great finds from The National to Glen Hansard to Ryan Adams. Wilson also has a thoughtfully written commentary for each song as well. It’s definitely worth a look.

When I first discovered these playlists, I ran through a bunch of them real late at night but I don’t feel like doing that again. But if you’re up late and are bored, it’s something to check out.

Shia Update

Is it just me or does Shia LeBeouf seem to be begging for someone to help him? In Parade, he said, “[Actors are] all in pain. It’s a profession of bottom-feeders and heartbroken people. Most actors on most days don’t think they’re worthy. I have no idea where this insecurity comes from, but it’s a God-sized hole. If I knew it, I’d fill it and I’d be on my way.”

He also admitted to being an alcoholic and “My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked – just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor.”

He had previously stated “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother... If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

Actually, that’s right in line with Hallmark’s newest series of Mother’s Day Cards, “You’re such a great mother, I’d fuck if you hadn’t given birth to me.”

And what was she doing when she was walking around naked? She was “playing naked connect the dots… and humming for prolonged periods of time.” Personally, nude Boggle can’t be beat. Reading Goofus and Gallant topless is also quite a thrill.

She’s a Man, Baby (or It's Time to Man-Up)

Chastity Bono, a decade after coming out as a lesbian, is now becoming a man. Reportedly, she’s going to have gender reassignment surgery and everything. The process of ‘transitioning’ began around her 40th birthday in March. My birthday’s coming up but I’m not considering switching to play for the other team.

Bizarre story of the week

Okay, there’s this kid who knows a bunch of stuff about planes and his parents are convinced that he’s a reincarnated pilot. They even introduced him to the sister of the pilot that died. It’s a crazy story. The kid’s older now and doesn’t remember all the stuff he said when he was younger but his parents still trot him around as a reincarnated pilot. You kinda gotta feel sorry for the kid.

But check the story out because it’s weird.

Final Thoughts

Because of the focus on celebrity, I never got around to my obsession with the iPhone. I need to remember to go over that in the next post, which will hopefully be shorter.

I learned that not only does my girlfriend believe in ghosts but that she believes Donald Trump’s hair is a normal/natural occurrence. She swears that it’s not a comb-over while I believe (whatever it is) it’s a feat of modern engineering.

Top 20 Movies of 2008: Part 2: The Best Movies

And now we start the Top 20 Best movies with review so short and incomplete that you will absolutely learn nothing. So let’s start the non-learning with…

20. ‘Smart People’

If you’re looking for a deeply plotted movie, this isn’t it. But the individual performances are strong and only a Communist can hate Ellen Page and Dennis Quaid.

19. ‘Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist’

Here’s a story I like to tell a lot. I had gone to a bunch of concerts in my life and I always felt out of place…until I went to see the Shins at the Atlanta Civic Center. The audience was full of people just like me. I realized that the Shins were ‘My People’s Music.’ This movie features a lot of other bands that represent ‘My People,’ including one, Bishop Allen, that gets a cameo appearance.

Am I placing this in my top 20 because of that? Largely…yes. But it’s my list and I can do whatever I want.

Okay, it has a sweet feel throughout with two likable leads and half of everything Michael Cera says is funny. But really, it’s all about the music.

18. ‘Be Kind Rewind’

This movie was designed to not work. I find Mos Def to be annoying most of the time. With the exception of a couple movies, Jack Black is way too over the top. And the plot involves two guys remaking movies and (according to the commercial) passing them off as the real thing.

The only reason I watched this movie is because it was directed by Michael Gondry, director of ‘The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.’

Mos Def’s performance is endearing and Jack Black, while wild, doesn’t take over the movie. While the end is a bit of a letdown with the whole ‘the small store versus the big store’ theme, it’s a fun little movie that provides solid laughs.

17. ‘Religulous’

If indeed there is a hell, Bill Maher is going there after making this movie. But at least he made a funny movie before he went there.

Maher (with the exception of the soliloquy at the end) comes at this as an agnostic (though just a couple degrees from being an atheist), he’s not certain what’s true and seems to hold those with absolute certainty in contempt. And it’s a contempt that’s basically spread around toward all religions.

This movie is not for the easily offended but if you’re going to be offensive, at least be funny, which he does more times than not in this film.

16. ‘Changeling’

I’m not sure how a boy could be kidnapped and the police could try to force a mother to take an imposter child as if he were her son. If this weren’t a true story, the plot would be too far-fetched to even be made into a movie. After checking the movie against the newspaper articles, the movie stays pretty close to the truth.

Clint Eastwood’s direction is solid and he really builds suspense throughout the movie.

The only complaint I have is with Angelina Jolie. I was never able to get past who she is. She was so pale and her lips were so red…she was like a pair of lips in a hat. And I realize that sounds stupid but I struggled with her because of that. Even so, it didn’t sink the movie.

15. ‘There Will Be Blood’

This is a movie that came out in New York and Los Angeles in 2007 but didn’t come out nationwide until 2008 and it feels like forever since I saw this. I hesitated watching this because it’s title was a tag line for the second ‘Saw’ movie and it’s almost three hours long.

The story of an oilman trying to get a plot of land from a group that’s led by a teenage preacher is compelling. While I didn’t like the ending and SportsCenter killed the ‘I drink your milkshake’ line to death, the acting was solid and it didn’t feel like it was as long as it was.

14. ‘The Pineapple Express’

This is the movie to watch if you think James Franco laughing is funny. While it’s easy to label this is a ‘pot humor movie,’ it’s a couple bars higher than that, certainly better than anything Cheech & Chong ever put out. You don’t have to be high to watch it, though I imagine it would help.

And it has Seth Rogen. You like Seth Rogen, don’t you?

13. ‘Role Models’

This is a movie that wishes it was made by Judd Apatow. It feels largely like an Apatow production except I don’t think an Apatow movie would’ve devolved into a D&D type fantasy world. But still, Paul Rudd is excellent as always and the movie is truly funny for the first half (almost two-thirds).

12. ‘Chaos Theory’

I had never liked Ryan Reynolds in anything until 2008, when he had two really good movies that he completely carried. In this movie, he plays an anal professional speaker that due to a joke, ends up having his life completely screwed up. It was portrayed in the commercial as an almost wacky comedy. In truth, it’s a quiet film with a few laughs but it’s more about the nature of love, forgiveness and the fragile nature of relationships.

11. ‘Ghost Town’

Ricky Gervais didn’t write ‘Ghost Town.’ Instead, it was written by the guy that did the screenplays for ‘Angels and Demons,’ ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,’ ‘War of the Worlds,’ ‘Snake Eyes,’ ‘Stir of Echoes’ and ‘Death Becomes Her.’ Have I scared you away from this movie yet?

Ricky Gervais is the star of ‘Ghost Town’ and he is the reason to watch this movie. His heartfelt performance and genuinely funny presence carries this movie, as does the solid acting of Greg Kinnear. Tea Leoni is in this and is as adorable as she’s ever been.

This is a charming movie that gets some truly big laughs…even if it was done by the same guy who had a hand in saving Indiana Jones’ life during a nuclear blast by sticking him in a fridge.

10. ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno’

I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan. I recognize his limitations but that doesn’t keep me from enjoying his movies any less. ‘Zack and Miri’ isn’t a perfect movie but it made me laugh when I saw it in the theater and it made me laugh when I watched it at home. Seth Rogen is great and some of the dialogue is really sharp and funny.

One major issue: Smith never seems sure how to end his movies. And this film falls victim to that as well. It ties up far too neatly and, like ‘Clerks II,’ in a slightly groan inducing way. But the movie has built up enough good will, that it’s easy to forgive the handful of missteps.

9. ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’

I liked this movie a lot more when I walked out of the theater than I do right now. If I’d made this list right after leaving the mall, having just wiped a couple tears from my eyes, I would’ve put this at #4.

But then I started thinking about this movie and that’s not something that benefits a film like this. It’s essentially a fable but I’m not sure what its message is. Brad Pitt plays a guy aging backwards. He’s a lot like Forrest Gump, not in being retarded but in being basically an innocent character without fault who finds himself in situations bigger than himself.

The individual performances are strong but what’s important about this movie are the special effects. Not only does Pitt appear old, we’ve seen that before, but he is small. And not like that Wayan’s movie ‘Little Man.’ The amazing thing about the special effects…they don’t seem like effects. They are seamlessly intertwined into the movie.

If you see this movie, you’ll walk away liking it but I bet if you think about it too much, you’ll like it less…So don’t think about it too much.

8. ‘Tropic Thunder’

This is about a group of actors that go into a jungle to make a war movie and end up in the middle of a real armed conflict…though some of the actors aren’t sure if it isn’t just part of the filming.

While it’s not as funny as it could’ve been, and it drags through parts of it, the movie is worth watching to see Robert Downey, Jr play an Australian actor who has undergone an operation to become black to play a role in a movie. He’s absolutely brilliant and virtually everything he says or does is funny.

7. ‘Doubt’

This is a very simple movie about a complex topic. You want to guess what the topic is? It’s about doubt, which is probably why it’s called, uh, ‘Doubt.’ The film is driven by three standout performances, Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams.

The best thing about this movie is that for much of it, you don’t really know what the truth is. Is Hoffman’s character guilty of what he’s being accused of? Adams’ character is sure that he is…until she’s sure that he’s not but really, she doesn’t know and neither do we.

The final line damages the movie tremendously and unravels its point a little, which I took to mean that doubt isn’t as dangerous as certainty. But it’s a quiet movie with great acting and definitely worth seeing.

6. ‘Definitely, Maybe’

Ryan Reynolds makes his second appearance on this list turning a completely charming performance as a father who tells his daughter the story of how he and her mother (and his soon-to-be ex-wife) met. The story is told in flashback and in a way that conceals which of three possible women could be the little girl’s mother.

When saw the commercial, I really didn’t think this was a movie worth seeing but I gave it a chance and I found myself interested in the plot and it was truly funny and engaging. This is the best true romantic comedy to come out in several years.

5. ‘Wall•E’

The first 40 minutes of ‘Wall•E’ is silent, surprising since it’s a cartoon that appears aimed at kids. But you know, I don’t think that it is aimed at kids at all. This is a thoughtful movie about wanting what you can’t have and a future that fits into the vision of Stanley Kubrick. It works as a light comedy, a cartoon and a science fiction movie. It also happens to be positively beautiful in the way it was shot. It’s an absolute must see movie.

4. ‘Get Smart’

This is another movie that I dismissed after seeing the commercial. I liked the original series okay but I hate remakes of old television shows so I wasn’t going to watch. But I had a couple hours to kill and I decided to go see a movie and the only thing that was playing that would get out in time for me to get to work was ‘Get Smart.’

And it was completely hilarious. After leaving, I called my mom to let her know about how good it was and I ended up watching it with her the next day. I’ve seen it several times since and I got it as a Christmas present to my girlfriend, who also liked it.

From beginning to end, it’s filled with funny gags, and if by chance you didn’t like the last one, if you wait a minute, there’ll be another one on the way. There’s a great cameo by a famous SNL alum that’s surprising and funny.

The film also has a good heart and that’s one of the things that really makes this movie work. Also, Anne Hathaway is really solid in this. She’s funny and you completely buy her in the fight scenes.

But the reason to watch this is because it’s funny. So watch it.

3. ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’

My brother and I saw this down in Savannah, which is mentioned briefly in a previous post. It’s a funny movie, as you’d expect out of the Apatow pen of films (except for ‘Drillbit Taylor). Billy kept laughing in the theater and he doesn’t usually laugh out loud in a movie, so that should be reason enough for you to see this.

Also, Mila Kunis is in this and she’s actually really good.

2. ‘Iron Man’

Robert Downey Jr was great in ‘Tropic Thunder’ but he was even better in this. His performance embodied cool and the dialogue is so natural that he almost appears to be ad-libbing it. The effects are great and it’s also funny.

If you want to see stuff getting blown up, gadgets being invented and you want to laugh, then this is the perfect movie.

1. ‘The Dark Knight’

And if you don’t want to laugh but you do want to see a brooding superhero film, then this is the perfect movie.

‘The Dark Knight’ is simply the best superhero movie ever. The acting is strong, the plot is tight and it’s completely dark. It’s basically modern film noir that happens to have a superhero in it.

Heath Ledger is the Joker, portraying him as a true sociopath, as opposed to the maniacal clown other actors playing the character have done. Ledger delivers the performance of his life and is worth watching, even if you don’t typically enjoy the superhero genre.

Next Post

I'll run through a few of the movies that were left off the list and try to explain why. I’ll also discuss my thoughts on Twitter and my iPhone obsession.

My Thoughts on Terminator 4

I first mentioned that this movie was being considered back in 5-15-07, when I wrote: “I just read Terminator 4 is in the works and it’s part of a new trilogy. No one has signed on but I foresee a plot where Arnold goes back in time to the 18th century to rewrite the Constitution to allow foreigners to run for president. Part 5 will be about the election and in part 6, Arnold will have to fight off the forces of impeachment.”

I honestly didn’t believe it would really be made…and yet, here it is. I don’t really feel like reviewing it (I gave it a 1.75 out of 4, for what it’s worth). But there is one thing this movie made me wonder…

Why are the machines so mad? What exactly did we do to them to piss them off? Was it the microwave that started this revolution? I mean, it’s gotta suck having popcorn heated up inside you, being able to smell it but not being able to taste it. I could see why the microwave would hate people so much.

I could understand personal computers. The software causes the computer to crash and people blame the computer. It wasn’t the computer. It was the operating system or the software. But who was the target of all the profanity and rage? The little old computer.

But still, is that any reason to try to annihilate the human race? To create robots to go back and kill would-be mothers of would-be leaders?

Ron Howard’s daughter is in this movie, Bryce Dallas Howard. She plays the same character that Claire Danes played in the last one. Bryce mainly stood around touching her belly, I guess so we would know she was pregnant, as if that was supposed to add extra pressure to Christian Bale. I mean, he knocked up Ron Howard’s daughter and if Opie finds out, he’s gonna send Angels and Demons to get that American Psycho (though Bale’s actually from Wales).

Can Bryce act? I don’t know. She wasn’t really called on to do much besides the belly touching, while wearing fashionable maternity clothes while the rest of the world had gone to hell. The few lines she did deliver were flat but then again, most of the performances were flat. At least she isn’t as distracting as Clint Howard. I guess it helps that she isn’t bald.

I’m always distracted when Clint appears in a Ron Howard movie because it takes me out of the film while he’s in there. Not just that, but I spend most of the early part of the movie, waiting for him to show up. That’s why Alfred Hitchcock used to appear in the very beginning, to get the cameo out of the way so people could focus on the movie. Clint should appear at the very beginning too.

On a similar note: Joan Cusack almost always shows up in movies starring her brother John. She tends to play wacky characters but it seems like each movie, she’s a little more unhinged than the one before. Making it worse, his performances are becoming more subdued, which is highlighting how crazy her acting is. It’s getting to the point where he’s looking catatonic and she’s looking like an escaped mental patient.

You can tell how off the wall her performance will be based on her hair. The stranger her hair looks, the stranger her acting will be. It’s just how it works.

I think it might be time to have her pasteurized. No, I don’t mean sent out to pasture. I think she should actually go through the process of pasteurization, you know, just to see what would happen.

And how did a non-review of ‘Terminator 4’ turn into an attack on Joan Cusack?

Because Crazy Movies Are Coming Out

I just found out that they’re going to make ‘Battleship’ into a movie. I came up with a great joke about making Monopoly into a movie…until I found out that they are making that game into a movie. So all my jokes about who would play the thimble and Uncle Pennybags seem less funny now that Ridley Scott is reportedly going to direct a movie version of the popular board game. For what it’s worth, they’re also making Candy Land into a movie as well.

I never really got into Battleship. I really wanted to because it looked cool, you know, with the ships and all but even as a kid, I knew that Battleship is basically Bingo with naval vessels. And Bingo’s just not cool.

One Last Movie Thing

They’re going to re-make ‘The Karate Kid’ and turn ‘The A-Team’ into a movie. Why are movie studios raiding my childhood and churning out crap?

Final Thoughts

I finally went into my girlfriend’s backyard for the first time last weekend. It happened nine months after I first went over to her house. I almost didn’t want to go back there because you have to respect a streak like that.

I was informed by a source, who begged to be unnamed, so I won’t mention her name, but she told me that this sugar free candy she got had a warning that consuming too many of the candy pieces can cause “a laxative effect.” Turns out that sugar free candy in general has that result according to numerous Internet sources.

Another source, who will be unnamed, though I don’t think they requested to be anonymous: There’s a great new show is coming out: Bobo’s Booboos. Or was it Booboo’s Bobos?

Saw a headline on CNN.com: How to avoid the ‘Death Tax.’ Uh, that’s kinda of easy, isn’t it? Alls you gotta do is just not die.

Top 20 Movies of 2008: Part 1: The Worst Movies

Most critics release their best and worst movie lists at the end of a year or at the beginning of the following year. I decided to wait until the end of May to release mine. Why? I don’t know, it’s just what I did.

For those not familiar with the way I list movies, I only consider films released between January 1 and December 31, 2008 in the area where I’m able to watch movies. This means if a movie was screened in New York and Los Angeles on December 20, 2008 but didn’t open in Atlanta until January 5, 2009, it can win an Oscar for Best Picture of 2008 but it won’t appear on my list until the next year.

This is why ‘There Will Be Blood’ is on this year’s list and why ‘The Wrestler’ isn’t. If I was considering release dates in New York, then ‘The Wrestler’ would be number one on this list without a question but it didn’t come to Atlanta until January 16th (after being released on December 16th in NY and LA).

Like the last couple years, I compiled the list as I went through the year, rating each movie as I saw them. The past year, I’ve lost a little patience with dramas, which is probably why a) I didn’t see as many dramatic movies in the theater last year and b) my top list is crowded with comedies.

Of the movies released last year, I saw 73 of them. Notable movies I didn’t see include: ‘The Boy in the Striped Pajamas,’ ‘The Reader,’ ‘The Visitor,’ ‘Snow Angels,’ ‘Traitor,’ ‘Man on a Wire’ and ‘Valkyrie.’ Those may or may not have been good movies but I just didn’t get around to seeing them yet.

Likewise, there are some movies that might’ve made my worst of list but I didn’t see them, such as: ‘Righteous Kill,’ ‘Postal,’ ‘Sex Drive,’ ‘The Longshots,’ ‘The Bucket List,’ ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still,’ ‘Death Race,’ ‘Extreme Movie’ and ‘The Love Guru.’

I’ve decided to make the list 20 movies deep for both the best and worst sides. So starting with the 20th worst movie that I saw from last year…

20. ‘Son of Rambow’

I saw the preview for this movie before ‘Rambo’ and it looked like a sweet, small budget film about two kids that were going to try to make their own movie. Except, it turned out that it wasn’t all that sweet. It wasn’t as funny or as engaging as I’d expected and worse, it was slow moving and tedious (almost as tedious as a San Francisco travel blog).

19. ‘Drillbit Taylor’

Coming into this movie, I had moderately high expectations. I’m a huge fan of anything Judd Apatow puts his name on. On the other hand, Owen Wilson’s in this. I don’t think Wilson was the worst problem about this movie. I mean, sure, did I want to punch him in the nose? Of course. I always feel that when I see him in a movie…even those that I like with him in there. The problem was that the kids looked like they were cast to resemble the main characters in ‘Superbad,’ which only served to point out what an inferior movie this was. There were a handful of funny scenes in the movie but most of it was mean-spirited…and not the funny kind of mean-spirited.

18. ‘The Bank Job’

There have been so many stylish movies about breaking into locations to steal stuff. But what if someone would make a movie with a bunch of characters you can’t keep track of, that’s disjointed (so it can look clever) and stilted dialogue? Well, then they would’ve made ‘The Bank Job,’ a movie that tries so hard to be relevant but instead flounders in a well of predictability.

17. ‘Semi-Pro’

I don’t know why I watched this movie. I don’t like Will Ferrell except in a small, handful of movies. I thought a few scenes in ‘Talladega Nights’ were funny. But this movie is so completely stale. Usually, Ferrell looks like he’s having fun in his movies (which is good, since at least one of us should be enjoying what he’s doing) but even he looks a little bored through much of this thing.

16. ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’

Maybe it’s an even numbered thing. I liked the first and third installments of the Indiana Jones franchise and didn’t like the second and fourth ones. Or maybe I just like Indiana going up against Nazis. Whatever it was, this outing for Indiana was so incredibly bad. I don’t know exactly when it lost me. Was it Shia LaBeouf playing a greaser (maybe slightly more convincing than C. Thomas Howell in ‘The Outsiders’) or Indiana surviving a nuclear blast because he stuffed himself in a refrigerator? I’m not sure but by the time it got to the ‘Aliens are involved’ twist, I’d been lost for a while. Oh and there are three endings to this movie, each one worse than the one before, culminating in a lame wedding sequence that made me throw up a little in my mouth.

15. ‘Nobel Son’

The best thing about this movie was that I had really good chicken wings afterwards. Every character in this film struck the same note from beginning to end. With the pulsing dance soundtrack (that inexplicably stops midway through), it was like someone saw all of Guy Ritchie’s movies in a row (which are basically the same movie made over and over again) and decided the world needed another one…but this time with Alan Rickman in it.

14. ‘Flash of Genius’

Let’s stop for a moment and agree that Greg Kinnear seems like a nice guy. To use my mom’s terminology, he’s someone you root for. He’s not the problem with most of this movie (although when he appears to start having cotton stuffed behind his lower lip in the second half of the movie, it is somewhat disconcerting). The problem with this film is that it’s like someone wrote an outline for a book and then just shot the outline. Every scene building to the next scene and it’s this focus on moving the story ahead (while leaving character development behind) that makes you feel like you’re not watching a movie but rather a documentary…a very boring documentary. By the time the movie starts employing the device of ‘8 months later,’ ‘2 years later’ and ‘3 years later,’ you’ll feel that time is moving as slowly for you as it is for Greg Kinnear’s character. And the near final court room scene, I half expected someone to bring in a bag of letters to Santa and dump them in front of the judge. But that would’ve been funny.

One last note: The plot of the movie is about a guy that claims to have invented the intermittent windshield wiper. The novelty, I figured, would be they would take a boring idea and make it interesting. Instead, they took an uninteresting topic and made it even more uninteresting.

13. ‘War, Inc.’

Okay, so John Cusack’s playing a conflicted hitman and the costars include Joan Cusack and Dan Akroyd but this isn’t a sequel to ‘Grosse Pointe Blank?’ This movie’s an absolute mess. I could make a compelling argument why this is the worst movie of the year…until I look at what else is on this list. This attempted satire falls completely flat and becomes a mashup that’s almost painful to watch. Alright, so the military industrial complex is evil, is that an excuse for some director to force me to watch Hilary Duff hold a snake and talk in a Russian accent while sticking scorpions down her pants? Maybe super-hardcore liberals can tolerate a movie because it’s anti-Iraq War but the heavy-handedness is going to turn off everyone else (including many who agree with the bottom line thesis of the film).

12. ‘Seven Pounds’

Speaking of heavy-handed… Isn’t it interesting how Will Smith keeps finding himself in movies where he is depicted as a savior of sorts? This movie is called ‘Seven Pounds’ because that sounds better than ‘3.175 Kilograms’ or maybe it’s because it’s so contrived and gimmicky, you’ll want to hit yourself in the head with a seven pound hammer after seeing it. The movie is intentionally oblique in its storytelling because it wouldn’t have a movie if it laid its cards on the table. Once you figure out what the filmmakers are hiding from you, the rest of the movie becomes painfully obvious…painful because you still have an hour left to go before the ending. And in the end, always root for the jellyfish.

11. ‘Towelhead’

The preview of this movie seemed to suggest the story of a Muslim girl in America, a coming of age story set against the backdrop of prejudice in a small town. Turns out, not exactly a small town (it’s Houston) and it’s more about the pedophile living next door. The racism aspect of the film is a relatively minor subplot. Instead, it’s a creepy little narrative about adult men who want to have sex with a 13 year old girl from Lebanon.

10. ‘What Just Happened’

That’s exactly what you’ll be asking yourself after this movie’s over, followed by ‘And why did I just watch this?’ Every now and then, a movie comes out that Hollywood insiders love because it’s full of in-jokes and because it’s about them, their favorite subject. Watching from the outside looking in, it’s not nearly as funny as what it could’ve been, which is a shame. They had the people there to make it work. Robert DeNiro as an agent for the bearded Bruce Willis could’ve been really good. I mean, they certainly had a funny scene together. They even showed that one scene in the commercial so you could go and realize how the whole movie is nothing like the one scene that made you go in the first place. As for the idea that Hollywood is full of back-stabbers and sycophants…what an amazingly obvious insight.

One note: Credit though to Sean Penn. His performance was as close to self-deprecating as he gets.

9. ‘Hellboy II: The Golden Army’

I liked the original ‘Hellboy’ because it was charming and visually different than other movies that were playing. The second ‘Hellboy’ wants to make sure it’s visually different while neglecting the charm that made the first movie special. The previews for this movie used the term ‘From the visionary director…’ and that was the problem. The movie was filled with effects but it lacked any heart.

8. ‘Rambo’

This might sound stupid but even though I didn’t like the first three Rambo movies, I thought the fourth one would be good because I liked ‘Rocky Balboa.’ I mean, the logic is completely flawed but I watched it anyway. Through much of the movie, Rambo would grunt or spread out his dialogue with a sentence here, a sentence there. Mainly, he seemed like a man that wanted to be left alone…and I wish that I’d left him alone. The only reason to watch this movie is to see people get killed in gruesome ways, which is what the ‘Saw’ series is for.

7. ‘Quantum of Solace’

I enjoy the Bond series a lot and, while I wasn’t thrilled by the choice of Daniel Craig as the new 007, he won me over in ‘Casino Royale.’ In this movie though, the action starts off mindless and goes from there. The plot was pointlessly convoluted and I was completely bored through the entire movie.

6. ‘Saw V’

I was okay with the first movie in the franchise. The second movie was terrible. The third one was better than the second one but not as good as the first. And why exactly do I keep watching these awful things. I don’t know. The preview had something about how I wouldn’t believe how it ends. Yes, there’s a gimmick ending that sets up ‘Saw VI,’ which will probably have an ending that sets up ‘Saw VII’ and this is how we go. The series has twisted into basically making Jigsaw, if not the good guy, certainly on par with the good guys and better than ‘the really bad guys.’ Debates on moral relativism are fun, torture porn is not.

5. ‘Batman: Gotham Knight’

I rented this because I heard it was written by the screenwriter of ‘Batman Begins’ and another guy who wrote ‘A History of Violence.’ I was picturing a gritty graphic novel type of movie. Instead, I got this ridiculous mess that was a combination of a four or five separate chapters, including one that imagined Batman as a Transformer. A couple of the segments were okay but weren’t developed enough. It was essentially an anthology of different imaginings of Batman, not really a coherent story.

4. ‘Yes Man’

I went into this movie expecting it to be bad and it was actually so much worse than I’d expected. First thought in every scene: Jim Carrey looks really old. I mean, REALLY old. That’s not to say he should go hang himself or anything but every scene seemed to zoom in on his face, underlining just how old he is (he was 46 during filming but could’ve passed for older) and it’s made worse because the love interest is Zooey Deschanel (28 during filming but could’ve passed for younger). The plot is that a guy takes a vow to never say no and always say yes. How can this not be horrible?

Jim Carrey looks like he’s trying too hard in every scene, summoning all the zany energy he can but it resembles a man who can’t swim, flailing around in the water helplessly. I mean, I think there was something funny in the movie somewhere, I just don’t remember it.

3. ‘Hamlet 2’

Steve Coogan is great and I especially loved him in ‘Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story.’ In this movie, it takes a promising premise, a drama teacher on the way out who’s going to direct one last play, a sequel to a play in which everyone pretty much died in the first one. The movie relegates Coogan to such comedic bits as getting a hand stuck in a locked door. The comedy is broad and not nearly as edgy as it thinks. And for a while, it forgets that it’s a comedy and becomes a drama. It wasn’t much better at being that either.

2. ‘Chapter 27’

Jared Leto gained a bunch of weight to play Mark David Chapman, the person who murdered John Lennon. I’m not sure what I was expecting with this one. Leto walks around New York wearing glasses and whispering a lot. He meets Lindsay Lohan, whose character is soon freaked out by him. Then it shows him killing John Lennon. There’s nothing to be gained from watching this, no insights that are added and ultimately, no reason to watch this shallow biopic of sorts. As for Leto’s performance: He gained weight and added body-mass doesn’t make for a better acting job. For a film that’s entirely about one person and follows that person everywhere and includes narration from inside of his head, I learned nothing that I didn’t know going in.

1. ‘Zombie Strippers’

I almost hesitated to even include this in the list at all. Whereas ‘Chapter 27’ thought of itself as a good film, ‘Zombie Strippers’ is a joke movie. A gag. But I’d heard it likened to ‘Shaun of the Dead,’ which I liked. So I rented ‘Zombie Strippers’ expecting a movie that was corny, didn’t take itself too serious and was silly. The problem was, it wasn’t funny. I mean, like a B-movie, it had the cornball plot and the bad acting but there wasn’t the self-awareness that ‘Shaun of the Dead’ had. And then there were the unnecessary but ever-present George W. Bush shots. Okay, he was shitty president but when that’s a movie’s go-to device for a laugh, it’s in trouble. The reason this movie is the worst movie is because it had absolutely nothing going for it and a hell of a lot going against it. The best thing I can say about it is that it made me pull out ‘Shaun of the Dead.’

Upcoming Posts

Obviously the next post will be the Top 20 Best Movies and some notable movies left off both lists.

Final Thoughts: Workplace Edition

I met someone face-to-face at work that I’ve spoken to numerous times on the phone. She said that I looked nothing like what I sounded like. She exclaimed that she never would’ve picked me out in a crowd. I don’t know what this means. I later asked a coworker who was there when this happened and she didn’t understand it either. I obsessed about it a lot until I decided that it means I have a good voice but an ugly face. I mean, I felt depressed about it but at least I wasn’t obsessing.

I heard a story at work about a guy who married a woman three weeks after they started dating (and they started dating three weeks after they met). They’ve been married over 20 years but I swear, I can’t imagine doing that. Maybe my decision making skills are slow.

Something that seems to have increased lately are the number of women who paint their toenails in the nearby area to where I sit. The smell is nauseating but the idea people are doing this at work is bizarre. I wasn’t a huge fan of clipping nails at work but this is even worse.

There’s this one coworker who plays opera-type music kinda loud. I don’t like that style of music, or any music where the emphasis is on the singer’s talent as a vocalist and nothing else. It seems like it’s not about what’s being said, it’s about how it’s being sung. Words just break down into syllables that are used to hit certain notes. That and I don’t like people playing music loud in a workplace.

Overheard at work: “I don’t believe no guy over 20 don’t have kids somewhere. He may not know about it but there’s no way they be dodging that bullet. Unless they’re gay. But all heterosexual men over 20 have at least one child somewhere.”

The Talladega Wreck (from April 26th)

Okay, with the San Francisco experience already written down, the next biggest thing to happen in the last couple months was my experience at Talladega.

Michelle had tickets to the Aarons 499 (which is actually 500.1 miles), so I was able to go to my first NASCAR event ever on April 26th. Now, I realize it’s now a month later and not really newsworthy, but you know that blind-woman sucker punch thing I commented on the other day? Well, that actually had happened a year earlier and CNN had just gotten around to putting it as one of the top stories. So if CNN can cover something a year later, I should be allowed a month delay to report on a NASCAR race.

But here’s the thing. Had I written this right after I’d gone to Talladega, I would’ve had all these stories about the experience. Instead, I’m just hitting on general thoughts I had about the race.



You know all the stereotypes you have about a NASCAR race? Well, most of them were true as far as I could tell. It was a lot of clichéd rednecks (not that there weren’t some non-rednecks but the majority…) yelling things like ‘Git r done’ and one guy shaking his cane at the drivers as they passed by. And then there were women walking around with tramp stamps (including one that read: ‘Git r done’) and one who took off her shirt so she could wave it around and spent a good portion of the race sitting there in her bra.



The rows of seats were very close together, making it nearly impossible to exit out the row. When we first sat down, I noticed the fence blocking my view, which I didn’t figure was a huge big deal except it was going to obscure all my pictures. I was trying to be able to shoot through the fence like I’ve done at Turner Field through the netting but it never came out very well and nearly all the pictures I got from the day were crap.



We were three rows back from the fence, so we were really close but it turns out that being close isn’t a good thing. See, the track is an oval. From where I was sitting, I couldn’t see the other side of the track at all and I could just barely see the top and bottom of the oval. And when the cars passed in front of me, they were just a blur. At no point could I really tell who was winning just by looking at the track. Instead, I had to look up at the leader board.

So, I can only see what amounts to a quarter of what’s going on, which is like watching a baseball game but only being able to see the pitcher and the catcher.



But the fans there were totally into it. Each time the drivers passed by, they would yell cheers and taunts at different drivers. The PA announcer implored the crowd at the beginning of the race to get as loud as possible because the drivers can hear them. Trust me on this, I could barely hear anything when those cars were anywhere near, there’s no way in the world those drivers can hear the crowd. The fans don’t seem to get that.

Of course, that’s not to say all fans are like that. There are those who have headsets that can listen into what the drivers are saying and they’re into the technical aspect of what’s going on and I admire them. They weren’t the ones screaming for the number 88 car to ‘Git r done.’ I think some fans are into the strategy (such as it is) of when to pass, when to hold back, when to pit etc. But I can’t believe that most of those fans there viewed the race that way. It was like an exposition to scream in a crowd, drink beer and hope for the big crash.

In an effort to make Michelle laugh, I hollered a few times, including ‘Git r done,’ ‘whoo-hoo’ and whenever David Reutimann’s name was mentioned, I’d yell ‘Who’s the man?! Reutimann!’ And it was fun…four or five times.



But the race was nearly four hours long and consisted of 188 laps. That’s 188 trips around an oval. I’ve never really understood the appeal of racing. I’ve been able to watch a little racing on television and certainly the ends of these races can be exciting, generally the last 20 laps (30 at most) but I figured this might be a sport where you kinda have to be there to ‘get it.’ Since I could only see a quarter of what was going on, it seems like it’d be a sport more suited for television.

I was okay for the first 15 laps and for the last 15-20 laps but I really struggled during the middle 150 or so. Baseball might be slow moving but at least different things are happening. With the exception of crashes, what happens in lap 110 isn’t that much different than lap 52 or lap 141. A bunch of cars go in an oval.



Each time the drivers passed by, I was hit by a huge breeze that was mixed with all sorts of dirt and debris so that by the end, I was covered in a filthy second skin. I can’t think of a time I felt dirtier than after the race.

Adding to that: Smoking is permitted in the stands. I don’t think about smoking much because it’s been banned in most stadiums for some time but it’s really annoying when everyone around you is smoking and their ash is falling on you. I must’ve sat in the chain smoking section because nearly each person was downing cigarette after cigarette for the entire race and I was their ash tray.



Because the fence was in my way, I couldn’t get the pictures I wanted, so I put my camera away after about 10-15 laps. But when I heard Carl Edwards was making a move to the front, I got my camera back out because I was pretty sure he was the one who did the backflip off his car if he won and I wanted to get the picture.

Carl Edwards had been in 20th place or so for most of the race, never threatening to win it, while Aarons’ driver, David Reutimann had been flirting with the top spot for a good portion of the day. Reutimann would finish 26th and Edwards was seconds away from winning it. This says to me that the first 150 laps don’t matter all that much. I mean, you don’t have to really lead any of those laps to win, you’re just trying to avoid getting into an accident. But with all the caution resets, it’s perfectly okay to hang around in 20th place and then make a move with 30 laps left.

But Carl Edwards didn’t win and that he didn’t win (and how he didn’t win) is what makes this race notable.

Edwards took the lead with a half lap left. Directly behind Edwards was Brad Keselowski and looking back on it (because I couldn’t see this at the time), Keselowski tried to pass low and Edwards blocked him, which caused Edwards’ car to spin and come off the ground a little. Then Ryan Newman’s struck Edwards, causing the car to go fully airborne, spinning into the catch fence that protects the fans from incoming cars.

The fence gave in a little but stayed largely intact, prevent the car and it’s debris from entering the stands. The debris that did enter appear to come from the fence itself, including the PA speakers. Seven people were injured, two were air lifted to a hospital (as a result of traffic concerns, not because of the severity of their injuries. The most serious injury was a broken jaw suffered by a 17 year old girl sitting one section to my left.

And what did I see? Well, I could see Edwards coming around and I saw he was spun out and hit by another car (though it appeared to me at the time to be Dale Earnhardt Jr., not Ryan Newman, that sent him fully airborne). I had the camera in my hand as the car hit the fence but I was completely frozen. Not scared. It was extremely surreal. The car flips around and so I was looking straight ahead (remember, I was three rows back) and seeing the top of the 99 car before it landed back on the track.

The pictures I got were after the car had already landed and none of them especially impressive. In the video that I included below, you can see that the front end hits the fence and then it flips around and at one point, the 99 painted on the top of the car is pointed at the fans, and that was my view looking straight ahead.




My first thought: I wasn’t sure if Edwards was dead or not. Looking at the video, he gets out quickly and easily and trots to the finish line but from my view, I never saw that. Instead I was my view was being blocked by a group of dumb-ass rednecks giving each other high fives and cheering. On the projector screen in the middle of the infield, that I could barely see, it looked like Edwards was being interviewed. But again, I couldn’t really see the screen and the PA speaker for my section was broken.


(if you can't view this video from this page, you can also click to view it here)

After the race, we hung around and waited for it to clear out and then we went to the car, where we waited a couple more hours for traffic to clear out before leaving.

I’m certainly glad that I went but I’m not sure I would go again. Maybe if I had suite tickets so I could be inside because it was really hot out there and I was right in the sun. Michelle said that if you sit higher up, you can see more of the track and then the pictures wouldn’t be blocked by the fence. But I don’t know. It’s still 188 trips around an oval.

Alls I Wanted Was a Meatball Sandwich

Clearing out some more old news: The weekend before last, Michelle and I were going to go to dinner but neither of us really knew what we wanted. She wanted something to take back to my place and I only knew that I didn’t want anything too heavy. After eliminating pretty much every fast food place in the area, she decided on Nathan’s Hot Dogs.

On the way there though, I decided that I wanted a meatball sandwich from Serafino’s, which I was under the impression was a sandwich deli place down the road. Why did I have this impression? Because I’d been there before and I ordered a meatball sandwich to go. I just wanted the same thing.

But when we got there, they had a movable wall, you know, like the kind you change clothes behind, that was blocking the area where I’d previously ordered at. The lights were dim and a waitress came out of the back to seat us. The place had converted into a sit-down Italian restaurant, exactly what neither of us wanted since I didn’t want something too heavy and she didn’t want to eat at a restaurant.

Worse, on the menu, meatball sandwich wasn’t listed. The waitress explained they only do those at lunch. So, me and Michelle ended up leaving and going to Nathan’s. The strangest thing about Serafino’s conversion? They still had their television going. If you’re going to try to fashion yourself as a higher class restaurant, take down the TV or at least turn it off, especially if you’re going to charge $18 for lasagna.

At Nathan’s

We got to Nathan’s and both ordered the same thing. Turned out though that the restaurant was out of drinks. All they had was tea and lemonade. So if we were in the mood for an Arnold Palmer, we’d be set but we both ordered soft drinks. We settled on lemonade. I paid for the meal and they were also out of pennies.

At Zaxbys

The next day, we went to Zaxbys. And I’m not a huge fan of that restaurant but I’d never tried their salad, so I went ahead and ordered a chicken Caesar salad and it was okay, certainly better than anything else I’ve had there. Here’s the weird thing though, at the drive through, I was asked if I had a church bulletin.

I know this sounds strange but I felt a little guilty about not having a bulletin. In some way, I felt compelled to apologize but I didn’t know why. And I didn’t apologize either. But I felt medium bad when I said that I didn’t have one.

Final Thoughts

I was watching Jay Leno the other day and Bill Maher said ‘fuck’ and it was beeped out but when he used the word retarded, the sound was removed so you could see his mouth move but couldn’t hear the word. Why use an audible beeping sound for fuck but mute the sound for retarded?

‘Chuck’ was brought back by NBC for 13 episodes, not a ringing endorsement of the show but better than being cancelled. There was a strong online effort to save the show and it made me wonder if my girlfriend’s mom signed the ‘Save Chuck’ petition.

I’m hearing the term ‘pissing contest’ a lot lately. You know one person I’d never get into a pissing contest with? A guy on Flomax because that’d be like going up against a fire hose.

I heard a joke that began with ‘A penguin walked into a bar…’ I say, if your joke starts with a penguin walking into a bar, you don’t need a punch line…a penguin going into a bar is funny enough.